As we keep searching.

Tu Kyun Aaj hai Chupa
Teri har aah se hah judaa yeh jahaan
Janu Na tu hai kaha
Chahu bas tujhe har jagah

From the moment we are born, we are like sailors sailing through the vast, endless ocean searching for meaning of life. From the ancient times, people have searched for answers. Answers for questions like ‘Are we the only civilisation on this planet?’ and ‘What lies beyond the horizon?’ and the quest for these questions lead us to such amazing discoveries. As humans, I think it’s in our nature to search for things that will bring us immense pleasure or satisfaction, answers to questions that never fails to haunt and amuse us, all at the same time.

As little toddlers, we used to search for familiar faces in the crowd and cried everytime we failed to find our mothers in a family function with gigantic people who were always laughing and warm. As we entered our teenage, we looked for ways in which we could be cool. We used to enjoy listening to Justin Beiber and dance to Venga Boys and Bailamos but for the world we had a different playlist comprising of huge names like “Michael Jackson”, “The Beatles”, even though we barely understood their lyrics at that point of our lives but ofcourse it made us “cool”.As twenty-something adults, we started our quest for happiness, as we realised we were deprived of it. Someone told us, ‘look for love, a partner. you’ll find happiness there’ and so we began the search. The next big adventure. Got into hasty relationships with the first person that came along because we were too scared that we’ll be left alone on Christmas eve. We managed to get our heart broken and somehow in the process of fixing it, we managed to damage it more. One fine summer night, while we were dealing with our sadness, we learnt how to make joints and then the search began for ‘good stuff’ that’ll get us high enough so that we can laugh off our sorrows and loneliness. Steven Wilson became our favourite artist. We switched from listening to ‘chale jaise hawain-main hoon na’ and one direction to post rock and metal. We started loving songs with dark meanings and those which had sadness bleeding out from every word over the happy, cheerful songs on materialistic aspects of life. All the while we were always searching for tranquility. College was a series of hangover morings, blurred days and blacked-out nights, unplanned trips, free concerts, cheap liqour, late-night uber rides from one end of the city to the other, tears and laughters, mistakes and regrets, drunk calls and not-so-sober conversations. We were just searching for a way back home, to a place where we could be safe, as the world felt a little too cold now and the glares were more spine-chilling than welcoming. Some of us got so lost that they gave up halfway through. A few days back, I heard another of my friends commit suicide, one of them got raped in her own bedroom. We were so scared and looked for ways in which we could come back home, in the safety of our mother’s arms, but we were already 1200kms away, in a city, where we were trying to built ourselves. We found comfort in strangers that turned into family, we barely had anything in common but that was the best part of it all. I learnt how to be bold enough to stand up for myself from my roommamte-turned-bestfriend. I taught her how to cook.

As college got over, our parents wanted us to look for a job. A well-if not high- paid job because in a middle class family, the girl should marry by 27 and every family wanted a well-paid, silent, well-behaved lady. Marriage, according to our parents is the ultimate goal that will give us happiness. Why are we always taught that you’ll find happiness in others rather than yourself?

Some might find happiness in a Harry Winston, for some it might be a hot cup of coffee under the winter sunlight in the Kalga Valley. For others still, it might be the little things like when the sky is their favourite shade of blue or when they get to see their favourite artist live. Happiness never had a definite definition.

I qouted the lines in the begining, from the song that has been my jam for a long time now. It’s the song that has the power to calm down even my worst storms. It’s the song that I play everytime I am happy. Everytime I am sad, this song is there, silently playng in the background, silently wishpering that everything will be alright. This was suggested to me three years ago, by a person who is no longer in my life but who had a major impact in my life. Somewhere I guess I listened to this song in the beginning because it was suggested to me by him. The songs exchanged out of excitement and childhood innocence is now the only memory I have of my first love, and now three years down, even if I can hardly remember the last time I talked to him, this song has been my strentgh all throughout. When I first saw this song being played live, infornt of me, a few months back in Hard Rock Cafe, for a moment, I felt like I had found all the happiness I could ask for. Along with goosebumps, I had tears running down my cheeks, as I was singing along Uddipan Da, in my not-so-melodious voice. I was surrounded by the people I loved and all of us were headbanging to the songs that lit up so many of our house parties, I had my favourite band, right in fornt of me, creating magic that bewitched us to a different level, happiness in it’s rawest form, atleast for me and at that moment, I couldn’t have asked for more. I had even video called my parents to show them the show and my mom, knowing how much i adored music was telling me to take her to their next concert and she was more excited because the frontman was an assamese.(Whateven?)

That night ended a little too soon. The last song that was playing was ‘Kalga’ and the impact that song had on us was incredible. I could see the entire crowd standing still and appreciating the beauty that was being created infornt of us. For a moment, I could see my first love smiling at me from afar. oh! How much I missed it. That gleeful smile, those sparkling eyes which was all in my memory because I saw him three years ago and Kalga has always been that song that dictated my story to me and one of the only times I can listen to it without breaking down is when I am completely sober. That night was one magical night giving me all the happiness that I could ask for. I too, afterall, spend my entire time searching for the things that will give me happiness and peace. Sometimes listening to ‘Lazarus-Porcupine tree’ does make me want to see if there really is peace in death and the way Death calls out to me to join him as the cold world closes in on me, scares and excites me a little too much.